Friday 24 April 2015

Eurovision 2015: Ones To Watch

Eurovision 2015 Vienna

I’ve watched all the Eurovision entries, so you don’t have to.

If you want to hear them all, visit the official Eurovision site. Otherwise, here are some thoughts, with the best tracks in bold.


Albania: Elhaida Dani - I'm Alive
We start proceedings with a ballad. Get used to it, there are plenty more to come.

Armenia: Genealogy - Face The Shadow
Six singers; piano ballad; rock guitars; opera warbling. Sometimes less is more guys.

Australia: Guy Sebastian - Tonight Again
Sure, they’re not in Europe. And what exactly will happen if they win? Time changes and long-haul flights aplenty. But still, this soul-pop effort is the song the UK should’ve entered with.

Austria: The Makemakes - I Am Yours
They’ve already made a point with Conchita, so this year the host nation are phoning in their entry with a piano-playing James Bay. It’s as interesting as that sounds.

Azerbaijan: Elnur Huseynov - Hour Of The Wolf
He’s certainly trying hard with a voice that just keeps on rising. Let’s hope he does that gif-worthy spin at the key change during the live performance.

Belarus: Uzari&Maimuna - Time
The wide-eyed panic of this girl stuck in a sand timer says it all.

Belgium: Loïc Nottet - Rhythm Inside
Altogether now: “And we’ll never be Royyaaaaaaals”.

Cyprus: John Karayiannis - One Thing I Should Have Done
Look at that face. Look at that heartbreak. You will feel feelings.

Czech Republic: Marta Jandová and Václav Noid Bárta - Hope Never Dies
All hope is gone.

Denmark: Anti Social Media - The Way You Are
It might be the 60th anniversary of Eurovision, but that doesn’t mean your entry should also come from that time. Still, it is catchy.

Estonia: Elina Born & Stig Rästa - Goodbye To Yesterday
If Morrissey did Eurovision (with a pretty naked girl for good measure – stay classy Estonia).

F.Y.R Macedonia: Daniel Kajmakoski - Autumn Leaves
The video’s cute, but the lack of a catchy chorus means this will drown in a series of ballads. Next.

Finland: Pertti Kurikan Nimipäivät - Aina Mun Pitää
Good Lordi.

France: Lisa Angell - N'oubliez Pas
So arty. So evocative. So Français. Le yawn.

Georgia: Nina Sublatti - Warrior
I’m not sure Game of Thrones realness is necessarily an appropriate Eurovision message.

Germany: Ann Sophie - Black Smoke
“How long can we pretennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnDAH”. Make it stop. MAKE IT STOP.

Greece: Maria Elena Kyriakou - One Last Breath
Time to put the kettle on everyone.

Hungary: Boggie - Wars For Nothing
Once: The Musical have arrived. Now I’m falling slowly…into a coma.

Iceland: Maria Olafs - Unbroken
For a country that’s spawned Björk and Sigur Rós, Iceland have rarely done particularly well in Eurovision. This is, however, one of the better entries this year: cute and pleasant.

Ireland: Molly Sterling - Playing With Numbers
Oh come on Ireland, you can do better than this drivel.

Israel: Nadav Guedj - Golden Boy
Great, another slow ballad. But wait! Skip to 30 seconds in and prepare yourself for pure JOY. Timberlake guitars, sexy dancing and a key change. All that’s missing is a Pitbull rap.

Italy: Il Volo - Grande Amore
What’s hotter than an Italian in a suit? Phallic pottery. And who doesn’t love a bit of pop-opera? Oh, and the video includes some horrifically bad acting and a revolting wink at 2’12.

Latvia: Aminata - Love Injected
This year’s Latvian offering stands apart with a dark, industrial electronic sound and a soaring vocal. Then again, Norway did the same thing in 2013.

Lithuania: Monika Linkytė and Vaidas Baumila - This Time
On the surface this is a cute little ditty, but it's rife with sexual tension. The two singers are clearly banging. And the video includes a very lucky guy having a threesome in a sea of couples. When did Lithuania become such a hotbed of sexual activity?

Malta: Amber - Warrior
Two songs called Warrior? Is that even allowed? I’m sceptical to hear this one live though.
Georgia > Malta

Moldova: Eduard Romanyuta - I Want Your Love
Where did Moldova drag up this thug Bieber from?

Montenegro: Knez - Adio
Ooo look at the pretty mountainzzzzzzzzzz.

Norway: Mørland & Debrah Scarlett - A Monster Like Me
Once again, Norway have one of the more interesting entries: a dramatic string-laden track set around a terrible dinner party. Still, it could’ve been this from Karin Park.

Poland: Monika Kuszyńska - In The Name Of Love
Sorry lads, no butter churning this year. Instead, Poland have gone the serious route with a sleep-inducing ballad. Time for another cuppa. Need milk?

Portugal: Leonor Andrade - Há Um Mar Que Nos Separa
Portugal never do well. This mid-tempo power ballad won’t help their cause.

Romania: Voltaj - De La Capat/ All Over Again
“I see dead people” (To be fair, this actually has a decent chorus courtesy of Uncle Fester and Darius Danesh’s love child).

Russia: Polina Gagarina - A Million Voices
Aww bless, it’s a Russian anthem for world peace. Presumably, though, that doesn’t include anyone outside of their white, Christian, heterosexual norm, thereby discounting 98% of Eurovision’s key audience.

San Marino: Anita Simoncini & Michele Perniola - Chain of Lights
The first word is “no”. Sounds about right.

Serbia: Bojana Stamenov - Beauty Never Lies
Neither does Gizzle: this is terrible.

Slovenia: Maraaya - Here For You
I have no time for this sub-par Set Fire To The Rain wannabe.

Spain: Edurne - Amanecer
How are Spanish people so good looking? And that’s not including the best use of CGI in the videos of this year’s competition. Oh wait….were they singing?

Sweden: Måns Zelmerlöw - Heroes
PUT ALL OF YOUR MONEY ON SWEDEN. This is the best song of Eurovision 2015 by an absolute MILE. Yes the verses are initially a bit twangy, but the chorus. THE CHORUS. It’s not quite Loreen, but expect this to win by a landslide.

Switzerland: Mélanie René - Time To Shine
Budget Bat For Lashes.

The Netherlands: Trijntje Oosterhuis - Walk Along
Oh come on love, you’re old enough to be his mother.

United Kingdom: Electro Velvet - Still In Love With You
Hell no. Even Scooch are shocked.

Watch: Eurovision 2015 comes live from Vienna on 23rd May.